Dipesh Patel LCSW Counseling Services

There’s a moment I see often in couples therapy—usually somewhere between the second trimester and the early postpartum conversations—where one partner says something like:

“I don’t feel as connected to this as I thought I would.”

And almost always, it’s the male partner who says it quietly. Sometimes it comes out indirectly:

• “It just doesn’t feel real yet.”
• “I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.”
• “She’s going through everything… I feel kind of on the outside.”

Then it gets followed by a quick correction:

• “But I’m excited.”
• “I’m happy, obviously.”

That second part is important. Because most of the men I work with are excited. They care deeply. They want to be good partners and good fathers.

But there’s also this quieter experience that doesn’t get talked about much: feeling disconnected during pregnancy—and not knowing where to put that feeling.

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The Disconnection No One Prepares You For

Pregnancy is often framed as a shared journey, but the reality is that it’s an asymmetrical experience.

One partner is physically carrying the baby. Their body is changing. Their hormones are shifting. They’re feeling kicks, nausea, fatigue, anxiety, anticipation—all happening inside them.

The other partner is… watching.

Supporting, yes. Caring, yes. But still watching.

That creates a gap.

Not because the relationship is weak. Not because the partner is disengaged. But because the experience itself is fundamentally different.

Research highlights that expectant fathers often report feeling “peripheral” during pregnancy—emotionally invested but physically removed.

That word—peripheral—captures it well.

You’re in it, but not fully in it.

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Why It Doesn’t Feel Real Yet

One of the most common things I hear in sessions is:

“I know there’s a baby coming… but it just hasn’t fully hit me.”

This isn’t avoidance. It’s not denial. It’s actually pretty consistent with how bonding often works for men.

A report from the National Institutes of Health notes that paternal attachment often develops more gradually and is frequently tied to tangible interaction—seeing, holding, and engaging with the baby after birth.

During pregnancy, the connection is mostly conceptual:

• Ultrasound images
• Conversations
• Planning
• Anticipation

But there’s less direct sensory experience.

So while one partner is feeling the baby move daily, the other might be waiting for something more concrete to “click.”

That gap can feel confusing—and sometimes even guilt-inducing.

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The Quiet Guilt That Follows

Here’s where things start to layer.

The disconnection itself isn’t usually the biggest issue. It’s what men make it mean.

I’ve heard variations of this countless times:

“I feel like I should be more excited.”
“What kind of father feels like this?”
“She’s going through everything, and I’m over here feeling… nothing sometimes.”

So instead of talking about it, they do what a lot of high-functioning, responsible men tend to do:

They manage it internally.

They double down on being supportive. They show up to appointments. They take care of logistics. They try to be steady, reliable, and present.

But they don’t necessarily share the internal experience.

Because it doesn’t feel like there’s space for it.

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The Cultural Script Men Are Given

Part of this comes from how we socialize men around emotional experiences.

There’s an implicit expectation that during pregnancy, a male partner should be supportive, excited, strong, and to not add stress.

There’s very little room in that script for:

• Uncertainty
• Emotional distance
• Fear
• Ambivalence

A review published in the journal BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth found that many men feel their role is to be the “support system,” often at the expense of acknowledging their own emotional needs.

So what happens?

They don’t talk about it.

Not because they don’t have feelings—but because they don’t have a clear place to put them.

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The Relationship Impact (That Couples Don’t Always Catch Early)

From the outside, things can look fine.

The couple is preparing. They’re planning. They’re moving forward.

But underneath, there’s often a subtle misalignment:

• One partner is deeply immersed in the pregnancy experience
• The other is trying to stay connected without fully feeling it yet

If this isn’t talked about, it can start to show up in small ways:

• One partner feeling like they’re “carrying this alone”
• The other feeling unsure how to engage more deeply
• Conversations becoming more logistical than emotional

This is where I often step in during couples work—not because something is “wrong,” but because something is unspoken.

And unspoken things tend to create distance over time.

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It’s Not Disconnection From the Baby—It’s Disconnection From the Experience

This is an important distinction.

Most of the men I work with are not disconnected from the idea of becoming a father.

They’re disconnected from the current experience of pregnancy.

Those are two different things.

When couples can name that difference, things often shift quickly.

Instead of:

“You don’t seem as excited”

It becomes:

“This experience is landing differently for each of us right now”

That framing creates space instead of blame.

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What Actually Helps Men Feel More Connected

This is where things get practical.

Because the goal isn’t to force a feeling—it’s to create conditions where connection can build more naturally.

1. Involvement That Feels Real (Not Just Observational)

Attending appointments is helpful. But passive involvement often isn’t enough.

More active forms of engagement tend to help:

• Talking to the baby
• Feeling kicks regularly
• Being involved in decision-making (not just informed about it)
• Creating routines that include the baby (reading, music, etc.)

A study from the National Institutes of Health suggests that prenatal involvement—especially tactile and interactive engagement—can strengthen early paternal bonding.

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2. Naming the Experience Out Loud

This is the piece most couples skip.

Saying something like:

“I think I’m still waiting for it to feel real”

can be incredibly grounding.

Not because it fixes the feeling—but because it removes the isolation around it.

And in most cases, the partner isn’t looking for perfection. They’re looking for emotional presence.

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3. Expanding the Emotional Range

Connection doesn’t only come from excitement.

It also comes from:

• Curiosity
• Uncertainty
• Even fear

When men allow themselves to access a wider emotional range (instead of just “I should be excited”), the experience tends to deepen.

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4. Understanding That Timing Is Different

One of the biggest shifts I see in couples is when they understand this:

Connection doesn’t have to happen at the same time or in the same way.

For many men, the emotional shift happens:

• At birth
• During the first few weeks of caregiving
• Through direct interaction with the baby

A resource from Postpartum Support International highlights that paternal emotional adjustment often lags behind maternal experiences—and that this is both common and expected.

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Why Men Don’t Talk About It

At this point, the pattern becomes clearer.

Men often don’t talk about disconnection during pregnancy because:

• They don’t want to burden their partner
• They feel like they shouldn’t feel that way
• They assume it will pass on its own
• They don’t have language for the experience
• They don’t see others talking about it

So it stays internal.

And anything that stays internal for long enough starts to feel heavier than it needs to be.

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What I Often Tell Couples in This Phase

When this comes up in sessions, I usually say something along these lines:

This isn’t about one person doing it “right” and the other doing it “wrong.”

It’s about recognizing that pregnancy creates two very different experiences happening in parallel.

One is immediate, physical, and constant.
The other is gradual, conceptual, and still forming.

Both are valid.

But if you don’t talk about the difference, it’s easy to misinterpret it.

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The Shift That Changes Everything

The couples who navigate this well don’t necessarily eliminate the gap.

They just make it visible and workable.

Instead of:

• Expecting identical experiences
• Or assuming disconnection means lack of care

They start to:

• Talk about what’s actually happening
• Adjust how they connect during this phase
• Give each other more accurate interpretations

And that tends to create something important:

Not just connection to the baby—but connection to each other during a transition that can easily create distance.

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Final Thought

Pregnancy is often seen as the beginning of becoming parents.

But it’s also the beginning of renegotiating how two people stay emotionally connected during a major life shift.

For many men, that process starts a little more quietly—and a little more slowly—than expected.

That doesn’t mean something is wrong.

It usually means something is still unfolding.

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If you and your partner are navigating this phase and finding yourselves slightly out of sync, that’s often where the most meaningful work can happen.

Couples therapy can help you make sense of these differences and turn them into something that strengthens—not strains—your relationship. Feel free to contact me here to schedule a free 20-30 mins consultation call to see how I can be of help.