Dipesh Patel LCSW Counseling Services

There’s a moment I’ve come to see in sessions with gay couples pursuing surrogacy.

It doesn’t happen at the beginning.

At first, the energy is hopeful—sometimes even electric. There’s planning, research, financial conversations, timelines. A sense of movement.

But somewhere along the way, the tone shifts.

One partner might say:
“I didn’t expect this to feel so… uncertain.”

Or:
“I thought once we decided to do this, it would feel more clear.”

And the other partner is usually feeling something similar—but expressing it differently.

Because what most people don’t talk about is this:

Surrogacy isn’t just a logistical process. It’s an emotional one.

And for gay fathers, that emotional journey often carries layers that don’t get enough space—grief, vulnerability, identity, control, and sometimes even isolation.

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The Starting Point: Hope, Relief, and Long-Awaited Permission

For many of the couples I work with, the decision to pursue surrogacy doesn’t come out of nowhere.

It comes after years of:

• Wondering if parenthood would even be possible
• Navigating systems that weren’t built with them in mind
• Internalizing messages about what a “family” is supposed to look like

So when surrogacy becomes a real option, there’s often a sense of:

“We can actually do this.”

That moment matters.

Research from the Williams Institute highlights that LGBTQ+ individuals are increasingly forming families through assisted reproductive technologies, including surrogacy, but still face structural and emotional barriers.

What I see clinically is that this stage is often filled with:

• Excitement
• Urgency
• A desire to “move forward” quickly

And underneath that:

A quiet fear that something could still go wrong.

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The Grief That Doesn’t Always Get Named

This is where the conversation often deepens.

Because even in a hopeful process like surrogacy, there can be grief.

Not always obvious grief. Not always acknowledged, but grief shows up in subtle ways, sometimes it can be over not being able to carry a child, or having an easier path to parenthood, or how complicated the process feels.

In session, it might sound like:

“I didn’t think I’d feel sad about this… but I do.”

And often, that feeling gets pushed aside quickly—because it feels incompatible with gratitude.

But both can exist.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine notes that individuals using third-party reproduction often experience complex emotional responses, including grief and loss alongside hope.

One of the things I help couples do is make space for both.

Because unprocessed grief has a way of resurfacing later—often as tension, withdrawal, or irritability within the relationship.

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The Control Illusion (and What Happens When It Breaks)

Surrogacy is, in many ways, a highly structured process.

There are:

• Agencies
• Legal contracts
• Medical timelines
• Financial planning

And for many couples—especially high-achieving, systems-oriented individuals—this structure creates a sense of control.

But then something happens.

A delay.
A failed transfer.
A complication.

And suddenly, that sense of control disappears.

In therapy, this is often where anxiety spikes.

Because the process becomes unpredictable.

Research shows that fertility-related processes—especially those involving third parties—can significantly increase psychological stress due to uncertainty and lack of control.

What I often tell clients is:

“This process will ask you to tolerate uncertainty in a way you may not be used to.”

And that’s not just an individual challenge—it’s a relational one.

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When Couples Start to Cope Differently

This is one of the most important—and most overlooked—parts of the journey.

Two partners going through the same process can experience it very differently.

One might:

• Dive deeper into research
• Focus on logistics
• Try to “solve” the uncertainty

The other might:

• Withdraw emotionally
• Avoid conversations about the process
• Feel overwhelmed by the intensity

And then the pattern emerges:

• One partner pushes
• The other pulls away

Not because they’re disconnected—but because they’re coping differently.

I’ve worked with couples who start to say things like:

• “I feel like I’m the only one who cares about this.”
• “I can’t keep up with how intense this is.”

And underneath both of those statements is the same core need:

To feel supported and understood.

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The Financial Stress No One Likes to Talk About

Surrogacy is expensive.

There’s no way around that.

And while many couples plan for the financial aspect, the emotional weight of that investment is often underestimated.

Because it’s not just about money.

It’s about:

• The pressure to “get it right”
• The fear of loss if something doesn’t work
• The meaning attached to the investment

In session, I’ve heard:

“We’ve put so much into this… what if it doesn’t work?”

That question carries more than financial anxiety.

It carries emotional stakes.

And if couples don’t talk openly about this, it can create tension—especially if partners have different risk tolerances or financial histories.

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The Relationship with the Surrogate

This is another layer that doesn’t get talked about enough.

The relationship with the surrogate can bring up:

• Gratitude
• Vulnerability
• Boundary questions
• Unexpected emotional attachment

Some couples want close connection.

Others prefer more distance.

Neither is wrong.

But what matters is:

Are both partners aligned on what that relationship should look like?

Because misalignment here can create subtle but meaningful tension.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) notes that gestational surrogacy involves complex relational and psychological dynamics that require thoughtful communication and support (https://www.cdc.gov/art/).

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The Identity Shift into Fatherhood

As the process progresses—especially during pregnancy—something starts to shift.

The idea of becoming a parent becomes more real.

And with that comes:

• Excitement
• Fear
• Responsibility
• Identity questions

For many gay men, there hasn’t always been a clear model for what fatherhood looks like.

So part of this journey becomes:

Defining it for themselves.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that children raised by same-sex parents fare just as well across emotional and developmental outcomes, but parents themselves often navigate unique societal and identity-related stressors.

In therapy, this stage often brings up questions like:

• “What kind of father do I want to be?”
• “How do we divide roles?”
• “What if I’m not ready?”

And importantly:

• “How do we do this together?”

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The Moment Everything Becomes Real

There’s a moment—sometimes at birth, sometimes even before—where the emotional weight of the entire journey lands all at once.

For many couples, it’s overwhelming in the best way.

But it can also be disorienting.

Because the transition is immediate.

One day, you’re navigating a process.

The next, you’re parents.

And if the emotional journey hasn’t been processed along the way, this transition can feel abrupt.

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What Helps Couples Stay Connected Through This

When I see couples navigate this journey well, there are a few consistent patterns.

1. They Talk About the Emotional Process, Not Just the Logistics

Not just:

• Timelines
• Costs
• Next steps

But:

• Fears
• Doubts
• Hopes

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2. They Normalize Differences in Coping

Instead of:

• “You’re too much”
• “You’re not enough”

It becomes:

• “We’re handling this differently—and that’s okay.”

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3. They Revisit Alignment Regularly

Not just once.

But throughout the process.

Because things change.

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4. They Make Space for Both Joy and Difficulty

Not forcing everything to be positive.

Not getting stuck in stress.

But holding both.

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When This Gets Hard

There are points in this journey where couples feel stuck.

Disconnected.
Misaligned.
Emotionally overwhelmed.

And often, it’s not because something is “wrong” with the relationship.

It’s because the process is demanding more emotional flexibility than they’ve had to use before.

This is often where couples therapy can be helpful—not to fix something broken, but to:

• Create space for both partners’ experiences
• Rebuild alignment
• Strengthen the sense of “we’re in this together”

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Final Thoughts

The emotional journey of surrogacy for gay fathers isn’t linear.

It moves through:

• Hope
• Grief
• Control
• Uncertainty
• Connection
• Identity

And sometimes all of those at once.

But when couples are able to stay connected through it—to talk, to adjust, to understand each other—the process doesn’t just lead to parenthood.

It strengthens the relationship that child is coming into.

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If you and your partner are navigating surrogacy—or even just starting to think about it—and finding yourselves feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure how to stay aligned, you’re not alone.

I work exclusively with couples using a structured, evidence-based approach (Gottman Method and EFT) to help partners move through complex transitions like this while staying connected.

If you’d like support, you can learn more or schedule a consultation here.